So I belong to a thing with one of the local cinemas (well, it’s a chain, not local-local, but, y’know, in the area), Cineworld. They’ve got an Unlimited card, where for €21 a month you can go to however many movies you want. There’s a monthly newsletter and sometimes they send surveys.
I just got a survey, which is so asinine I felt obliged to call Cineworld out on it on Twitter and just can’t stop myself from replicating it (in text form) here. I’ll only highlight the really irritating questions.
But before I go there, let me just also mention that they’ve just released a new Unlimited card ad in the cinemas, which features a dude having all the adventures and getting the girl at the end. I seriously sat through it the first time waiting for each segment to flip to being a woman protagonist and then back to the man throughout, but no, they didn’t do that. And at least some of their Unlimited ads say “Mr B Wayne” as the name on the card, so I said (again on Twitter), “So you’ll be releasing an Unlimited ad with a female protagonist and a “Ms S Kyle” on the card soon, right?” The person who does the Twitter feed liked the idea, but raise your hand if you think that’s gonna happen.
That might give you an idea of what’s behind the cut.
2. What Region do you live in?
…so in fact I can’t even submit this if I *want* to, because this is a required response and there isn’t a choice for the Republic of Ireland…
6. Who do you think is the sexiest actress of all time?
Marilyn Monroe, if these are my choices. So the next question will be “Who’s the sexiest actor, right?
7. Who to you think it the sexiest actress from the upcoming films this summer?
Cary Mulligan – The Great Gatsby
Amy Adams – Man of Steel
Tao Okamoto – The Wolverine
Kristen Bell – Stuck In Love
Vera Farmiga – The Conjuring
I don’t know the last three but if Wolvie likes her, it’s gotta be Tao Okamoto. Also, okay, so we’re doing the women questions first, we’ll get to the sexiest actor stuff in a minute, right? Also, that should be “Who *do* you think,” not “who to”.
8. Which of these superhero characters would you most like to date in real life?
Tobey Maguire – Spiderman
Christian Bale – Batman
Robert Downey Jnr – Iron Man
Henry Cavil – Superman
Chris Evans – Captain America
Nicholas Cage – Big Daddy (Kick Ass)
Chris Hemsworth – Thor
Mark Ruffalo – The Hulk
Hugh Jackman – Wolverine
Okaaaaaay, this is a weird general question, I bet plenty of dudes are gonna be uncomfortable with it, but later on there’ll be questions I think are just as weird for the ladies, right? And Captain America, realistically, because the truth is I have a terrible softness for goody-two-shoes.
9. If you could play the part of a superheroes’ love interest which character would you choose?
Lois Lane – Superman
Pepper Pots – Iron Man
Jane Foster – Thor
Rachel Dawes – Batman
Mary Jane – Spiderman
Betty Ross – the Hulk
Penny Carter – Captain America
Okay, the dudes are *really* gonna have a problem with this one, but Lois Lane, because Greatest Reporter, right? Right.
11. If you could play the part of one superhero which would it be?
Tobey Maguire- Spiderman
Christian Bale- Batman
Robert Downey Jnr- Iron Man
Henry Cavill- Superman
Chris Evans- Captain America
Nicholas Cage- Big Daddy
Chris Hemsworth- Thor
Mark Ruffalo- The Hulk
Hugh Jackman- Wolverine
Ah. See, here’s one for the dudes, I guess. Except it’s, like, totally not starting with the same sexy questions the ladies got, but okay, and, uh, I donno. I mean, if we’re going with these versions of the characters? Probably Wolvie. Who wouldn’t want to be Hugh Jackman?
12. Which of the Superhero’s leading ladies would you most like to rescue?
Lois Lane- Man of Steel-Amy Adams
Pepper Potts- Iron Man- Gyneth Paltrow
Rachel Dawes- Batman- Katie Holmes
Jane Foster- Thor-Natalie Portman
Black Widow – Avengers- Scarlet Johannson
Catwoman-Dark Knight Rises-Anne Hathaway
Okay, also for the dudes, but excuse me, WTF, you put THE BLACK WIDOW in a list of people who NEED RESCUING? EXCUSE ME? DO YOU KNOW WHO THE BLACK WIDOW IS!? Seriously, on that list, you gotta choose Jane or Pepper, because Rachel at least carries pepper spray. But I’m sorry, I’m still back there at WTF. *Catwoman*? Needs *rescuing*? Also, typo.
[ really bad questions about sequels snipped ]
21. Of the following ‘80s actors, who do you think is the sexiest?
Uh. Okay. Is this supposed to be the equivalent of “sexiest actress of all time”? Because it’s not. Not even a little. And I don’t know, Johnny Depp, I guess. Patrick Dempsey if I actually get to pick.
22. Of the following actors, who do you think will last the test of time and still be on the big screen in 30 years’ time?
…or maybe this is supposed to be the sexiest of all time question? Except it’s not even vaguely that kind of question, and Elijah Wood or Dan Radcliffe, because I think they might both be able to act.
[ questions about childrens’ films snipped ]
…wait, that’s it? That’s the end of the survey? I’m sorry, where are the sexiest actors of all times questions? Where are the “If you’re a superlady who do you want to date/be/rescue” questions? WHY DO I NOT GET TO RESCUE HAWKEYE?
Seriously. Oh my God. I cannot actually believe these questions.