critiques & swimming

So I’m working on critiques, which is by its nature slow-going. And I found myself thinking, “Man, I’m going to be here til I’m 35.”

Then I realized I *am* thirty-five. DOOM! Or, er, something. :)

I would like to point out some common swimming pool protocols to the people in my lane this morning:

1. If someone is obviously faster than you are, as I really very clearly am, do not start your next lap as I’m doing my flip turn. Wait five more seconds and follow me.

2. Also do not stop and stand or hang in front of the giant cross at the end of the lane. I will need this space to do my turn in. The only reason I am not doing a flip turn off your chest or kidneys is because I am being *extremely* polite to you; I have been known to do them off the chests of people on the swim team, when they are dumb enough to hang out in front of the cross.

3. If there are 3 or more people in the lane and we are swimming circles (up on one side, down on the other), actually swim up one side and down the other. This does not mean align your inside shoulder with the outer edge, or in fact the middle, of the black line on the pool floor. It means your entire body, shoulders included, should be off the line, which can guide you just as well if it’s ten inches to your left. This will prevent you from smashing your wrist into mine FIVE TIMES in TWENTY MINUTES, a feat which, in the hundreds of hours I have logged in a pool, has never been even close to emulated.

4. If you’re going to be in one of the cordoned lanes, for pity’s sake, *swim*. Do not do one lap and then spend ten minutes standing around talking to the guy in the lane next to you. It doesn’t count, and you’re in my way.

5. If you cannot follow even one of these simple rules, get the hell into the other lane. It doesn’t matter if there are twelve people in it, which there never are. We are all going to be happier if we are not smashing wrists, and I’m going to be unspeakably happier if I don’t have to swerve and duck around you to do my damned laps.

I will, in fairness, say that the person with the extremely round stroke who kept smashing her wrist into mine at least *swam*. She was slow, but she didn’t stand around. She kept doing laps. But Jesus God, I wanted to stop her and explain how you improve your stroke by bringing your arm all the way back so your fingers brush your thigh, instead of lifting it out of the water when you’ve pulled back as far as the ribs. This not only improves your stroke, but it leaves you without bruised wrists.

ytd miles swum: 28.3