useless angsty sort of rant

Tomorrow is the 6 month mark (counting by Thursdays, if not quite exactly *day* days) of my Lent diet, in which I do not eat sweets. I’ve lost, give or take half a pound, 22 pounds in the last six months, and two jeans sizes. That’s pretty good. I feel much better and I think I look much better. I don’t even hate my hair. How’s that for weird?

So it does not necessarily follow that this posting is going to be a completely useless frustrated angsty sort of stupid rant about weight loss and things that I’m going to put behind a cut tag because it’ll annoy me to look at it on my webpage, but I need to get it out of my system and I’m too lazy to write it out in my paper journal. Although I’ll probably do that too, since I’m feeling chock full of rant, I guess.

And on a completely different topic my Dad’s flying down to Seattle tonight because my Grandma’s in the hospital with pneumonia. :(

(Update on Grandma, while I’m writing the rest of this: The initial diagnosis is that her thyroid meds aren’t working. The docs think that the calcium she’s being given to keep her bones strong is interfering with the absorption of her thyroid meds. They said you’re not supposed to take any other medication at the same time as thyroid med and none for two hours, but [the assisted living facility she lives at] give Grandma all her pills all at once in the morning. So. Right now they seem to think that she’ll be a lot better in a few weeks because thyroid meds take that long to reach their optimum effect.

Which is *great*. But Jesus *Christ*.)

miles to Rauros Falls: 51.5

22 pounds. 2 jeans sizes. You’d think I’d be pleased. And I mean, I *am*. Maybe more accurately you’d think I’d be *encouraged*. But no. I’m frustrated. It’s like there’s light at the end of the tunnel and it’s an optical illusion or something, seeming much closer than it is.

Right now I’m within about 10 pounds of as thin as I’ve been in my adult life. I have a closet full of size 10 clothes that are really fantastic and I can’t quite fit into them. Even if I could fit into them, I have nowhere to wear them. I mean, we’re talking like tailored jackets and short skirts and wonderfully school-marmish dresses. I *really* don’t have anywhere to wear them; I’m certainly not going to sit around the house in them. If I fit them I’ll wear them to conferences this summer, at least to the RWA conference which is reportedly fairly formal, but that’s not actually the point. The point is that I’ve lost more than twenty pounds and instead of being happy I’m just frustrated because I haven’t actually gotten to my goal weight yet.

The only other time I’ve lost a significant amount of weight was right after getting out of college, when I lost about 20 pounds in 3 months. That’s probably part of why I’m frustrated right now. It’s been twice that long and I’ve only lost the same amount of weight. Of course, the astute among you will realize that I put all that weight plus a lot more right back on.

In fact, if you want to get technical, I’ve actually lost about 40 pounds since my fattest. So you’d think even more that I’d be happy. And you might bear in mind that if I continue at this rate, I’ll hit my goal weight at just about a year of this whole changing my eating habits thing, and that would be swell too. Happy-making, even.

Hah. That would be, like, sane. Rational. We’ll have none of that here, evidently.

Part of the problem is clearly that I don’t have any good clothes that fit me right now. And for Christ’s sake let’s not talk about bras. I went bra shopping this weekend. I don’t like shopping to begin with. Shopping and discovering that this season some idiot decided that All Bras Would Have Shaped Cups did not improve my temper. Determining that I’m still in a 38 when I thought that at this weight I used to be in a 36 just made the whole freaking mess irredeemable. Anyway, it seems idiotic to buy cool clothes, especially since my idea of cool clothes tends to equate with expensive clothes, when I’m planning to lose another twenty pounds.

Maybe I should just suck it up and spend forty or a hundred dollars on some new shirts, just so I don’t feel so down about it all. I don’t mind wearing jeans particularly. I’m just sick to bloody death of t-shirts. And they’re all too big for me now, too, and although apparently most people feel thinner in clothes that are too large, I feel fat and grumpy.

*sigh* It’s late. I’ve got a book to work on tomorrow. I’m going to take my fat grumpy self to bed. :P

6 thoughts on “useless angsty sort of rant

  1. My sympathies, entirely. Walking around in ugly/baggy clothing today myself because I don’t want to spend money to buy clothing in a size I’m only passing through. (Hopefully.) But I did at least spend money one good outfit as a reward for weightloss so far, which is worth it even if it means an expensive donation to goodwill two months down the road. I mostly wear it on the days I need to renew my inspiration to continue. Go for it, live in the Now :)

  2. Go buy yourself some flattering clothes – at least one full outfit that makes you feel good, and replace the t-shirts with ones that fit. Put everything that’s too big in the box for the Goodwill. I agree with Janne – live in the now – it’ll feel really good when you can put your new outfit in the box because you’ve lost more weight.

    Losing 22 pounds is a *big* accomplishment – kick the rational part of your brain into gear when you start fussing at yourself for not being at your goal yet. It probably won’t work all of the time, but you need to keep kicking yourself when you’re thinking unproductive thoughts.

  3. The thing about baggy clothes is that they hide progress and make people feel be-frumped and it’s hard to appreciate what you’ve done when you’re all blearbgh and be-frumped. Don’t wear the baggy blearghing clothes! It might seriously help to pick some relatively inexpensive flattering clothes that /fit/. You may have to goodwill them later, but so what? You can also turn them into baggy gardening/housecleaning/covering self with paint clothes. You don’t have to spend a fortune, but it’s hard to see how good you look if it’s hiding.

    I should add, quite crassly, that staying one bra size while becoming more fit and losing weight in other places is not, uhm, necessarily awful. :)

  4. Yes, buy clothes! Celebrate your accomplishment! It will make you feel better in the morning when you get dressed, which will improve your attitude all day, and only help your motivation. And when you out-shrink those too, you can feel even more accomplished, because you’re too small for the small clothes that you just bought.

    Congrats on losing 22 lbs, too. Losing weight is *hard*, and you’ve done it for six whole months in a row. That’s a huge accomplishment.

  5. Buy the clothes. What’s $40-100 for something that will be *useful* probably at least for a couple more months *and* would make you feel better. That’s only 5-16 new paperback books, and you’ll get a lot more use out of them over the long run.

    But, yeah. I understand your frustration. Don’t beat yourself up and ‘deny’ yourself now for some goal you might reach later.

  6. I’ve actually been feeling something similar to this; I’ve been doing the diet thing (more or less constantly) for over five months now (which is hard to believe!), and I’m only down 20 lbs.

    I have started to buy some cuter, smaller clothes, and have built up a largeish stock of babydoll/fitted tshirts (ever hopeful) over the years, but I’ve still mostly got, well, dressy stuff or t-shirts (still more large than small). Dressing for a friend’s wedding on Saturday will be difficult, because my cute little gothy dresses are not going to work, but I’m not sure what I have that will.

    Goodwill helped somewhat, in terms of jeans (although I can’t quite fit into them yet–I’m extremely picky about jean style, so I bought what I found), but I’m loath to spend too much when, yeah, I’ve got another 20-25 lbs to go (though I dunno when that’ll be gone, at this rate).

    Buying some new cute stuff is a good idea! Goodwilling other stuff (which I should do) is even better (although that sentimental value thing with all my big tshirts will be hard to fight).

    Ganbatte (and faster losing!) to both of us!

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